Ted [2012] [R] - 8.5.10

 
 

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ASSIGNED NUMBERS

Unlike the MPAA we do not assign one inscrutable rating based on age, but 3 objective ratings for SEX/NUDITY, VIOLENCE/GORE and PROFANITY on a scale of 0 to 10, from lowest to highest, depending on quantity and context.

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Sex & Nudity
Violence & Gore
Profanity
1 to 10

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The friendship between a man (Mark Wahlberg) and his talking teddy bear (voiced by Seth MacFarlane) is put to the test when the man's long-time girlfriend (Mila Kunis) asks him to choose between them. Also with Joel McHale, Giovanni Ribisi, Patrick Warburton, Matt Walsh, Sam J. Jones, Norah Jones, Tom Skerritt and narrated by Patrick Stewart. Directed by Seth MacFarlane. [1:46]

SEX/NUDITY 8 - We hear a woman's sexual moans and the voice of a talking teddy bear also making sexual moans; a man walks toward the sound and we see a bear thrusting, a woman's legs are seen with her underwear around her ankles, it is implied that the bear is engaging in sex with the woman and we hear the teddy bear make a remark that is implied to be a sexual request. A man makes a sexual remark about only needing "one minute" after a woman makes a sexual advance; the man pulls the woman down on a sofa, he is on top of her and they kiss.
 A talking teddy bear draws on a woman's bare breasts with a marker; we see the woman's bare breasts and the teddy bear makes a remark about the breasts looking like a cartoon character's face.
 A man and a woman kiss passionately, with the man wrapping his arms around the woman. A man and a woman kiss. Two men kiss.
 A talking teddy bear grabs a young woman's breasts (through her shirt) as he poses for a picture with her. As a woman watches, a talking teddy bear makes a series of sexual gestures: The bear thrusts his hips sexually against a counter, he then implies oral sex by provocatively eating a candy bar and then crudely implies having a man climax on the bear's face by squirting lotion on his face and in his eye (the woman acts disgusted).
 A talking teddy bear makes an explicit sexual remark to a man about performing oral sex on the man's wife. A man asks a talking teddy bear if he had been engaged in sex on top of produce sold by a store, and the talking teddy bear elaborates that he had sexually pleasured a woman with a piece of produce that he later sold to a family. A man and a woman make a series of crude sexual jokes about oral sex after a man remarks that he "does not swallow." When talking with a man, a talking teddy bear makes a crude sexual remark about having sex with women from a certain city; he then makes crude sexual noises and moans sexually. A talking teddy bear tells a man that he had sex with a woman; the woman makes a comment about the teddy bear's sexual performance despite not having genitals and the teddy bear jokes that he has written many letters of complaint about not having genitals. A man tells another man and a talking teddy bear that they need to have sex with a lot of women named Stephanie. Behind a man's back, a man says, "I'm going to have sex with your girlfriend." A talking teddy bear says to himself that he needs to have sex with a woman again. The narrator explains that a bear had been caught eating potato salad off a woman's bare buttocks. A talking teddy bear makes a crude remark about a man trying to have anal sex with a woman a couple of times. A man makes a crude joke to a woman that if he gets raped, it would be his fault because of what he is wearing. A talking teddy bear half-jokingly remarks that a man and a boy could be father and son or lovers. A talking teddy bear makes a sexual remark that he would have sex with an object if it were a human. A man shows another man what appears to be a metal lump; the man explains that it is a man's testicle that had been freeze-dried and then bronzed.
 Throughout the movie we hear a man and talking teddy bear make multiple crude remarks about gay people, including referring to a man as being a gay and a talking teddy bear telling the man that another man is "making out" with a man on a sofa. A talking teddy bear makes a joke that he is having dinner with gays because they were eating turkey burgers.
 Four women that appear to be prostitutes surround a talking teddy bear; they are wearing tight, cleavage-exposing dresses and the talking teddy bear makes a remark that the women are "working girls."
 We see a man's bare buttocks briefly as a talking teddy bear pulls down the man's pants. We see a woman wearing a towel and a talking teddy bear remarks that he is not looking up the woman's towel at her "funny business." We see a man show a woman a photograph of himself and two other men without shirts, their bare chests are visible and the three are wearing Speedo-style swimsuits. A woman wears an extremely tight, cleavage-exposing dress. We briefly see a photograph of a young man with an open shirt and a portion of his bare chest is visible.

VIOLENCE/GORE 5 - A talking teddy bear rapidly stabbing a knife back and forth between a man's knuckles accidentally stabs the man's hand; the man scream as blood pours from the wound and the man falls over and screams in pain. A boy runs toward a man and a woman and the man punches the boy in the face (he falls flat to the ground, unconscious). As a narrator says that it is the time of year when "boys beat up" people of another religion, we see five boys circle another boy, shove him to the ground and hit and kick him; the boys pause when another boy shows up and asks to help and we see a small amount of blood coming from his nose. A man on stage smashes another man in the face with a microphone stand as a crowd watches; the man appears to be knocked unconscious and falls to the ground when security immediately escorts the attacker off the stage. A man accidentally swings around and punches a woman in the head causing her to fall to the ground and the man helps her up.
 During a prolonged fight between a talking teddy bear and a man we see the following: The teddy bear lunges at a man, the man throws the teddy bear against the wall, the teddy bear attacks the man with repeated punches to the man's face and head, the two knock each other back and forth, and the teddy bear pulls down the man's pants (we see his bare buttocks) and whips his buttocks repeatedly with an antenna (a series of red marks becomes visible); the teddy bear then tips a television over on the man who shouts in pain and the two stop fighting and appear unharmed.
 A talking teddy bear scales a tall scaffolding to escape a man, the man grabs the bear's foot, we see the bear's torso rip slowly, the man grabs the bear and throws him and we see the bear fall backwards in two pieces with stuffing falling all around him; the bear lands on the ground with a thud and appears to die in front of a man and a woman, but they attempt to sew the bear back together and we see the bear return to life unharmed later (the bear teases the man that his stuffing was not placed correctly and he is now mentally slow, but reveals that he is teasing).
 A boy tortures a talking teddy bear, ripping off the bear's ear and causing the bear to scream in pain; we later see the bear staple his ear back together. A duck attacks a talking teddy bear, repeatedly pecking at the teddy bear's eyes as the teddy bear shouts and throws the duck off him. A talking teddy bear accidentally nails a nail into its hand and it hangs from the nail, but is unharmed.
 We see a prolonged car-chase with the following: A man and a boy kidnap a talking teddy bear, throwing him in the back of a car and another man and a woman chase them in another car; the teddy bear knocks out the rear window of the car (driven by a man with a boy passenger) with a tire iron, and the first car slams on its brakes, causing the other car to smash into its back, sending the teddy bear from the hood of the car through the broken rear window; the car with the teddy bear spins out of control when the teddy bear puts a bag over the driver's head, causing him to crash into a fire hydrant (the driver of the car is seen with a small cut on his forehead, the boy is unharmed, the bear is thrown from the vehicle and we see a small cut on his torso, and stuffing is seen coming from the "injury").
 A man punches through a wall, and another man on the other side of the wall sticks his arm with a knife in his hand though the hole; the man from the other side of the wall walks into the room and shouts at several people, two men begin to wrestle and one man throws another man against a wall.
 We see a man with a black eye and cuts on his face, and he tells another man that he had been extremely intoxicated and texted someone to come "beat him up"; the man makes a crude remark about the other man being gay.
 A talking teddy bear drives a car into another car (we hear the cars scraping together); the talking teddy bear then pulls out of a driveway, almost hitting another car and drives away unharmed. A soapbox car smashes into a tree after it careens down a street; we see a talking teddy bear fly out of the car and hit the ground, unharmed. We see a talking teddy bear swinging its legs and shouting as four police officers are seen carrying it away and we read a headline that the bear had been arrested for drugs (please see the Substance Use category for more details).
 A man and a woman are shocked when a talking teddy bear and a boy walk into a room; the man shouts angrily and the woman holds a hand-mixer in defense as the man shouts that he is going to get a gun. A woman shouts at another woman, threatening to beat her up, then storms out of the room. A man screams at a talking teddy bear after the talking teddy bear accuses the man of kidnapping him. A man shouts at a talking teddy bear and storms away. A talking teddy bear shouts at a man and the man shouts back angrily. A television reporter shouts manically.
 A man and a talking teddy bear discuss how as a child the man had shot a squirrel and attempted to resuscitate it, and the man explains to the talking teddy bear that the squirrel's ribs were smashed by their CPR attempts and had not lived. It is briefly implied that a man had kidnapped another man's daughter; we hear a man whisper to another man that his daughter "had better be okay." A man tells another man that his girlfriend had been attacked by a dog that bit the woman's arm and would not release; the man then explains that the dog had clamped onto the woman's arm so hard that a fireman had to place his finger inside the dog's buttocks to cause it to release (it is revealed the dog-attack had been a lie). A talking teddy bear makes a remark that a woman is "half-Muslim" and then jokes, "thanks for 9/11." A narrator explains that Apache helicopters are very deadly, with large machine guns and whipping blades and they are "absolute death machines." A narrator explains that a man had been arrested and charged with kidnapping a stuffed bear, but that the charges were dropped. A man half-jokingly threatens a man, telling him he wishes the other man would get Lou Gehrig's disease. A talking teddy bear half-jokingly threatens a boy, telling him that he would get "kid cancer." A man half-jokingly asks a woman if he can beat up another man. A woman reads a man a story about a hiker being stranded in the woods after her leg was caught under a rock; the man jokes that if the woman had been caught in the woods under a rock that he would chew off her leg and the two then make a series of jokes about being cannibals. A talking teddy bear makes a joke with a man that his new apartment was sold as having "hardly any murders."
 Throughout the movie a talking teddy bear makes a series of remarks that could be viewed as anti-Semitic, but they are posed in a way to make it seem like the talking teddy bear is trying to not be anti-Semitic and the remarks come off as ironic. A talking teddy bear makes a rude remark about Mexicans not being allowed in a restaurant. A talking teddy bear holds up a board game piece with a crude name on it. Throughout the movie we hear a man and talking teddy bear make multiple crude remarks about gay people, including referring to a man as being a gay and a talking teddy bear telling the man that another man is "making out" with a man on a sofa. A talking teddy bear makes a joke that he is having dinner with gays because they were eating turkey burgers.
 We see a pile of human feces on a floor; a woman shouts at a talking teddy bear and four women, asking if the pile of feces is human, and the teddy bear infers that it belongs to one of the women; we see the woman and a man panicking and acting disgusted as the woman cleans up the feces, shoving it into a bag and shouting in disgust. A man shows another man what appears to be a metal lump; the man explains that it is a man's testicle that had been freeze-dried and then bronzed. Throughout the movie men and women make multiple jokes about flatulence, including a man telling a woman that he had just flatulated (moments later we see three men reacting and shouting about a terrible smell, we hear flatulence and see a relieved look on a man's face). A man pantomimes that he is picking his nose.
 A talking teddy bear is startled when a man appears in a dark hallway. A boy is startled by a talking teddy bear. A boy is startled by a bolt of thunder. A man is scared by a clap of thunder.
 We briefly see a photograph of a boy and a talking teddy bear holding guns as part of a costume.

PROFANITY 10 - About 55 F-words or its derivatives, 12 sexual references, many obscene and sexually suggestive hand and body gestures, 47 scatological terms, 22 anatomical terms, 12 mild obscenities, 6 derogatory terms for gay people, name-calling (Sinead O'Connor, paler, ugly, short, sleaze, snob, waspy white guy, Snuggie's attorney, furry little guy, sucka, jerk, jazzy [sexual reference deleted], Tubby McFat[F-word deleted], crazy, idiot, Susan Boyle, the robot from Aliens), 2 religious profanities, 3 religious exclamations. [profanity glossary]

SUBSTANCE USE - On multiple occasions we see a talking teddy bear and a man smoking marijuana from water pipes and cigars, we see a man hold up a baggie of what is implied to be marijuana in order to bribe a talking teddy bear, we hear people discussing drugs throughout the movie, two men and a talking teddy bear discuss using cocaine, we see two men and a talking teddy bear walk out of a room and the teddy bear has white powder (presumably cocaine) on his snout and acts erratically, we see a newspaper headline that a talking teddy bear had been arrested for drugs, a woman chastises a man for smoking too much marijuana with a talking teddy bear, and a talking teddy bear tells another man that he is going to talk to a drug dealer about the quality of his drugs. We see men and women drinking alcohol, a man and a talking teddy bear drink in excess, a man and a talking teddy bear drink many shots of tequila, people are seen drinking beer and liquor at a party and we see men and women drinking wine at dinner. On multiple occasions we see a talking teddy bear and a man smoking cigars.

DISCUSSION TOPICS - Adult-themed movies featuring children toys, growing up, coping skills, disappointment, friendship.

MESSAGE - The bonds of friendship can be very strong. Movies with children-themed characters are not always child-appropriate.

Special Keywords: S8 - V5 - P10 - MPAAR

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