Scary Movie 5 [2013] [PG-13] - 7.7.5

 
 

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ASSIGNED NUMBERS

Unlike the MPAA we do not assign one inscrutable rating based on age, but 3 objective ratings for SEX/NUDITY, VIOLENCE/GORE and PROFANITY on a scale of 0 to 10, from lowest to highest, depending on quantity and context.

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Sex & Nudity
Violence & Gore
Profanity
1 to 10

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The fifth installment in the movie parody series features a couple (Simon Rex and Ashley Tisdale) that brings home an adopted newborn and his two sisters and they all suddenly begin to experience strange phenomena. Frightened and frustrated, they use home-surveillance cameras and a team of ghost busters to find out that they're being stalked by a demon. Also with Erica Ash, Molly Shannon, Heather Locklear, J.P. Manoux, Jerry O'Connell, Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan. Directed by Malcolm D. Lee. [1:25]

SEX/NUDITY 7 - A man and a woman talk in bed (she wears a bodysuit that reveals deep cleavage and he wears sweatpants and a T-shirt) and she complains about his collection of sex tapes that he made with other women and about a wall of mounted cameras; she says they need to get sex over with so she can leave, we see him get under the covers and his behind rises and falls many times, they both get under the covers for a few seconds and then come out and perform a circus aerial routine: four clowns, five midgets and a pony get under the covers with another woman taking the first woman's place, she then returns, and the scene ends when the woman says the experience was great (sex may or may not have occurred) and what looks like an erection rises under the covers beside the couple until the man takes out a cat with its tail raised.
 A little girl draws a man riding a rocket ship that looks like a penis; her sister sticks a Popsicle up her bottom below the shot, her eyes cross as she says "Oooo" in surprise, she pulls the Popsicle out, smells it and passes out. A little girl rubs against her mom's leg as a dog would.
 A male police officer in two very brief long shots appears to be sodomized while clothed: once by an escaped ape on a bridge and once on a party yacht by another man, while men and women dance (they are wearing skimpy bikinis or tight trunks and cleavage, bare abdomens, backs and legs are seen).
 A home video tape shows a woman masturbating in bed, clothed, rubbing against the pole of a floor lamp she is holding, and then with a large bush with a root ball; she moves to an all-fours position on the bed and a wooden chair slaps its seat against her bottom many times.
 Two ballerinas go to one's apartment and remove their tops, revealing deep cleavage above their bras and bare abdomen; they lie on a bed and agree to have sex and we see the face and neck of one woman looking into the camera with eyes rolled back as if in ecstasy as the camera cuts back and forth between her face and sexually suggestive images (a tongue sliding through a mail slot, two tacos bumping with open sides together, two model train tunnels bumping together, and two hot dog buns clasping and unclasping).
 In a dream, a woman sees a sadomasochistic room where a man falls into a large bed and chains grab him by the arms and legs and spin him around until he is spread eagled in the air while a bare-chested fighter wearing a neck brace stands at the end of the bed; two sheep in leather straps come out of a cabinet, suggesting bestiality and a parody of "Shades of Grey."
 Santa Claus comes to the door of a home one night and asks if anyone called him; he turns around to leave, following a nanny from an escort service that was sent away and we see his trousers pulled down partially to reveal bare buttocks. Two women in a small room behind a Venetian blind appear to be topless, but are thickly covered with suds as they play-fight; one wears a light colored bikini bottom and the other woman's bikini panties are covered in suds (we can see their cleavage, bare abdomens, upper thighs bare arms and shoulders).
 Two men look at a porn website where the women are shown waist-up and have huge bosoms that are covered by sleeveless tank tops and reveal cleavage and bare arms. Several women wear tight, short dresses that reveal legs to the lower thigh and huge bosoms straining against knit bodice material and reveal cleavage. Several women wear short skirts revealing most of their legs to the thigh, with V-neck tops revealing deep cleavage. A few women wear tank tops to bed that reveal bare shoulders, arms, and moderate cleavage. Ballet company members all wear tight leotards and tights, clinging to body curves, except for male genital areas where clothing is looser. An overweight woman wears a thin woman's bikini and reveals huge unsightly bulges around the shoulders, arms, abdomen, buttocks, thighs and legs and her cleavage.
 A pregnant ballerina wears an outfit open at the abdomen that reveals her swollen belly; during a lift by a male partner, her water breaks and we see yellow water gushing into the man's face as we hear a pop and see the baby shoot from off screen and into a tuba bell (we see the baby's bare buttocks briefly).
 A ballerina auditions for a part by performing a suggestive pole dance, shimmying, licking the pole, bouncing her buttocks, and gyrating her hips; later, she tells another woman that she is "doing half the cast" (implying sex). A ballerina trio does a "Swan Lake" dance as hip hop, with gyrating hips and shimmying thighs; afterward we see men gather around and they paw the lead dancer's hair and applaud.
 In a shared dream, a man and a woman both dream that each develops huge breasts the size of watermelons; as they awake, the man is rubbing his own nipples and the woman laughs at him. A fully clothed man with his back to the camera holds two large soup kettles and we hear gonging as he sways; his wife asks what is hitting the pots and he says it's his penis.
 A male and a female reporter on TV listen to a 911 call and find out that it is of a woman having sex with an ape when the station cuts and goes to a technical difficulties sign. Two men in the woods tease one another about "playing with yourself" (masturbation). A housekeeper kisses her former boss and tells him he reminds her of her father; he kisses her and says she reminds him of HIS father (incest implied twice).
 A German shepherd dog dreams of mating with a standard poodle and her buttocks are red. An ape holds a banana up under a quilt in bed (it looks like an erection until the covers are pulled back), he then eats the fruit, gets up, pulls the front of his trousers outward and snaps a picture of his crotch with an iPhone.
 A man and a woman find their house ransacked and their little girl finds a huge box of vibrators among the mess; the mother says it's a box of toothbrushes and the father takes it away.

VIOLENCE/GORE 7 - Two women in a basement where a dead beaver hangs from a rafter find a package wrapped in a trash bag and bound with barbed wire; they open it and find a human-flesh covered book with hand-drawn geometrical shapes and the outline of a demon; they read aloud a spell in the book (a line from the film "The Day the Earth Stood Still") three times and each time, four people upstairs develop golden eyes and bring out larger and larger chainsaws and knives, cutting off their arms and legs below the shot, splattering blood into the shot, and beginning to slit a tongue as the camera cuts away to the cellar; each of the three chainsaw scenes is bloodier than the last, finally with buckets of blood thrown into the shot from off screen (all four people are shown dirty and bloody); one man with no arms or legs says he needs help going to the bathroom because his penis is sitting in the corner (we do not see it); the other three people are missing an arm and a leg, have bloody stumps and we see them holding the severed limbs in their laps; a floorboard pushes up and we see a slit human tongue, healed until a man stomps on the floorboard and smashes the tongue, which wiggles.
 A demon fights with a man, punching him and turning into a long black wig with arms and fists that fights with the man; we see the man with a bruised, scraped face with some rawness, the wig crawls away, changes into a woman wearing a black gown and vanishes; the demon takes three children from the house to a cliff and tells Satan that she will sacrifice them to him, a mother intervenes and after a struggle the demon goes over the cliff and falls into the swimming pool of a party yacht (we hear that a shark ate her).
 A man and a woman on a home video tape repeatedly experience unseen forces pulling them down hallways by the ankles; one scene shows the woman being pulled down a hallway and down a basement staircase, off screen and her husband is pulled down a hall and tossed into several walls, though he is uninjured. An unseen force pulls a man from bed and slams him against several walls (we see no blood); we hear that he was killed and that his body bled for weeks afterward. A woman sitting on a high window ledge jumps off and falls below the shot (we do not hear or see impact).
 Two men find a cabin in the woods and inside, each pull two handguns and fire many rounds at skittering figures; they turn on each other and pull two additional guns (without firing) and repeat this many times until a large pile of guns and rifles litters the floor; one man is bitten on the leg by a child (no blood) and kicked in the groin by his friend.
 A demon called "mama" in a greenish witch's mask and a long black dress has dirty, muscular arms and shoulders and glides down several hallways when no one is looking. A ballet poster features a ballerina with a bloody bandaged arm stump and a knife in her teeth.
 A little girl eats a pair of eyeglasses and punches her adoptive dad; her sister eats pieces of dolls that were said to be glued together with feces and rat droppings (we cannot see feces); the girls' faces are dirty and a man says they are in Black-Face.
 A paranormal investigator tells a couple that they have a demon or a ghost; he punches the man and says the demon made him do it, and outside a fireball erupts in the street and extinguishes without harm. A woman hits her husband in the head with a skillet, accidentally, and later all the pans from a ceiling rack fall on his head; he is not hurt badly either time, but EMTs give him a head bandage. A man is struck in the abdomen by an oven door several times without harm. While installing surveillance cameras to film his house a man falls off the pool table twice and out the front window, shattering it and requiring a bandage from paramedics; he is also shocked and pops out of his shoes by an electrical line on a camera, but is unhurt. An aging ballerina falls several times without harm, but a hollow brick-wall piece of scenery falls on her and we see her later in a body brace, leg braces and arm-brace crutches that make her wobble; she shouts several times at younger dancers who can still perform. Many actors trip and fall while trying to film their scenes, but are unhurt and laugh about it in outtakes.
 Driving home, a man hits his garage door, inflating the air bags in the front and back seats; the wife holds up their baby, whose head spontaneously ignites in flames and then extinguishes, appearing just a little dirty but OK.
 A man and a woman find their house ransacked and their little girl finds a huge box of vibrators among the mess; the mother says it's a box of toothbrushes and the father takes it away.
 Many apes escape from a science lab and police and apes struggle over rifles on a bridge (no shots are fired). When an ape arrives at a man's home to be supervised, the man's wife and a friend both beat the ape over the head, not realizing he was supposed to be there; they put ice on his head and crotch afterward.
 A man argues loudly with his housekeeper several times about blessing the house and family baby to ward off spirits by using larger and larger crosses to march through the house while swinging an incense spreader on a chain and using a smudge stick and praying in Latin; the woman rips the head of a chicken and draws a large cross on the kitchen wall with the spurting blood.
 At a science lab, apes throw feces at an archery target. In a home an ape throws feces on his mirror. A housekeeper presents her former employer with a fly-strewn feces pie, a feces hot dog and a banana made of feces, but he declines these gifts. A woman finds their overweight housekeeper in a tiny closet bathroom sitting on a toilet, covered by a long gown and grunting; a voiceover says it really stinks in there. A young girl lifts her leg against a door like a dog peeing, but her mother stops her before urination can happen.
 Several scenes involve vomiting: a pool vacuum vomits beer; a woman vomits green material into a fan that vomits it back; and in a toilet, a woman vomits up one cheerio, the only thing she ate all day (anorexia is implied). A woman eats a pizza box.
 Two ballerinas argue briefly over a ballet role and three words are entirely bleeped out. A man and a woman argue about strange occurrences and sounds in their house. A man tells another man that men pee standing and women pee sitting and the other stares incredulously at him.
 A woman sleepwalks, sleep vacuums, sleep irons and dances in her sleep; she also puts up a piñata and strikes it with a club in her sleep. A man wakes from using a dream machine while under sedation and reports seeing demons and ghosts; his guide says that he has a good imagination.

PROFANITY 5 - At least 1 F-word, several partially bleeped F-words during the outtakes reel, 1 N-word, 13 scatological terms, 8 anatomical terms, 18 mild obscenities, exclamations (shut up), name-calling (crazy, insane, idiot, Ho, whore, slut, dumb animal), 14 stereotypical references to ghosts and demons, apes, scientists, men, women, parents, feral children, sorority girls, Blacks, whites, Hispanics, the French, grandmothers, paranormal investigators, 4 religious profanities, 7 religious exclamations. [profanity glossary]

SUBSTANCE USE - Two women each take a recreational drug caplet in a dance bar and they dance energetically and move fast, a man swallows Ritalin meant for his two daughters and it has no effect, pool vacuum machines lie dormant around lines of powdered pool cleaner they have apparently "snorted" up, two men walk through a forest and look for a marijuana plot and we see them running through the woods with a six-foot-long blunt and they plan to sell it and buy a yacht, a woman under the influence of drugs crashes her car through French doors and tosses her key to a man telling him he was driving (in case the police asks), a doctor asks a man if he is in a punk rock band and getting high on drugs every night, a scientist shows large vials of a drug that he says he gives to apes in a study, several people and a German shepherd dog are connected to a dreaming machine with tubes through which they receive a sedative (we see no needles or drugs), a man wears an ankle bracelet alarm for probation related to drug charges, and we hear that a woman is withdrawing from the substances in energy drinks. People drink mixed drinks, a woman holds a glass of champagne and does not drink, a dining room features a bottle of bourbon on the table, a man and a woman on a yacht hold mixed drinks (we do not see them drink), we see a bucket with a champagne bottle in it, several short pool vacuum-machines hold a beer party around a pool and we see them playing beer pong and vacuuming up beer, a pitcher of beer and a can of beer are seen on a picnic table, a machine vacuums too much beer in a beer pong game and vomits beer on the table, an aging ballerina smokes and drinks a martini as she dances in rehearsals, and a woman wears a sobriety alarm on her wrist. An ape smokes a cigarette twice.

DISCUSSION TOPICS - Horror films, superstitions, stereotypes, drug abuse and rehab, anorexia, incest, adoption, family.

MESSAGE - Refrain from using recreational drugs. If you need help withdrawing from drugs, find a rehab program that works.

Special Keywords: S7 - V7 - P5 - MPAAPG-13

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