The Love Guru [2008] [PG-13] - 7.4.5

 
 

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ASSIGNED NUMBERS

Unlike the MPAA we do not assign one inscrutable rating based on age, but 3 objective ratings for SEX/NUDITY, VIOLENCE/GORE and PROFANITY on a scale of 0 to 10, from lowest to highest, depending on quantity and context.

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Sex & Nudity
Violence & Gore
Profanity
1 to 10

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Mike Myers stars as Pitka, an American raised by Indian Gurus. He returns to the United States, planning to make a fortune in a self-help practice, and the first assignment he undertakes is a bereft low-talent hockey player (Romany Malco) who is upset because his wife (Meagan Good) left him for a rival player. Also with Justin Timberlake, Jessica Alba, Ben Kingsley, Omid Djalili and Stephen Colbert. Directed by Marc Schnabel. [1:24]

SEX/NUDITY 7 - Nude men in a locker room are shown from the waist up while a woman interviews them: one man appears to remove his underwear and we hear a thud (implying that his penis hits the floor), the woman gasps and a tattoo on the man's abdomen points up with "The Man" and points down with "The Legend." Two men meditate nude from the waist up, one man wearing tassel pasties over his nipples. A man does Yoga and appears with his head inserted into his own rectum.
 Five brief scenes show a woman wearing a bikini, climbing out of a pool, wet, and the camera pans from foot to head, ending the scene. Many female servants wear miniskirts and halters exposing cleavage and they belly dance repeatedly with wriggling hips and bouncing breasts. Women wear low-cut dresses and blouses in many scenes, revealing ample cleavage. A man is shown shirtless, standing in front of a shirtless Bruce Lee on a poster, imitating Lee's pose.
 A man suggests oral sex by opening his mouth wide and smoothing back his long hair several times, with elongated food being thrust into his mouth (e.g., a corn dog and he asks if the corndog is a "doggy thing"). A man orders food, calling it "nuts in a sling"; it's a tortilla with two large leechee nuts rolled inside and it is smashed on a cutting board with a mallet while the man groans; the food is then served with a pickle on a plate, arranged to look like male genitalia.
 During a bedroom scene a woman says, "Show it to me," a shirtless man opens his pants (below the screen), and we hear a thud while the woman gasps. A 12-year-old boy is given a chastity belt shaped like an elephant's head and trunk and whenever he has an erection, we hear a "gong" as his penis hits the metal of the belt and the camera pans to the crotch area (no genitalia is visible). A groin shot of a man is shown in a still shot, nude from the waist down, and a large black rectangle lettered "CENSORED" covers the genitals.
 A man raises his shirt and drops his pants twice to show a large chastity belt and bare legs; in a second scene, a monk unlocks the belt after the wearer lowers his shirttail to his knees, the belt drops to his feet and the scene ends.
 A young husband and wife are shown in bed together, under covers side by side, facing one another, and we see them looking at each other, both saying, "Damn"; later another man drawls, "Damn" -- implying that he has had intercourse with the man's wife.
 A hockey announcer tells the camera: "They're doin' it, they're doin' it hard," referring to two elephants mating on the ice and he has his tie wrapped tightly around his left hand with a knuckle (suggesting foreskin and penis); he then says, "I'm rigid" and later he smiles and says, "Post ejaculation, the spiny penis retracts." Two elephants mate at center ice on a red carpet during a hockey time-out, the audience watches with open mouths and glazed stares, and an overweight couple says, "I love you" to each other.
 In a healing line sequence, a guru lays hands on Jessica Simpson and she convulses and moans with sexual-sounding tones.
 A man makes sexual comments in several scenes: He says "Put your wiener on the table and someone says 'this is like your penis, only smaller" and later says, "I may have a monkey up my butt"; he meows at a man and makes a whip-snap sound and gesture (suggesting homosexual bondage), he speaks about elephants "jacking off," he speaks to a coach named Cherkov and pronounces the name "Jerkoff," and he points to his groin and says, "I think I made a happy wee wee." A man tells a boy that the boy's parents had "doggie-style sex." A cross-eyed man tells a boy he will go cross-eyed if he masturbates. A Hindu guru states to the camera that a monk contracted syphilis and began to speak proverbs (which are implied sexual references, e.g., "Liquor in front, Poker in back"). A man says another is "Bangin' Darren's wife." A man on a plane tells a woman that she has bedroom eyes, a great rack, and buttocks thicker than a snickers; she leans forward to kiss him and he pulls back and says he cannot.
 Many sexual plays are made on men's names: a hockey player is nicknamed "Le Coq" and he wears a red rooster on his uniform and clothing; a Hindu monk is named Tugg-my-puhda; and a man is called "Dick" and the tone of voice used is always suggestive. Self-help anagrams are produced to sound sexual: a self-help guru partially blocks a screen showing "C.O.C.K." but a big red rooster is displayed with those letters; B.L.O.W.M.E. is fully displayed and is pronounced as one word.
 One character is a hockey player shown throughout the movie with a large protruding crotch and a red rooster on his helmet, clothing, walls of his house, etc. A man says a man has the biggest wiener in hockey and another man states that he looks like he is smuggling a schnauzer in his pants. On a TV monitor, a man draws a red penis, testicles, and pubic hair on a template of a hockey player.
 A boy says, "I want to be a guru so girls will like me and then I will like myself."

VIOLENCE/GORE 4 - In a bar someone calls "Bar fight!" and many people, including two young girls, punch and kick one another; three men fly through the front window, one pulls a large glass shard from a long bloody wound in his forehead, and another turns sideways and pulls a broken pool cue from his rectum (he is fully clothed and the cue comes out clean).
 A hockey player is hit over the head with a hockey stick during a game but we see no injury. A man sitting in a Zamboni is struck in the head with a hockey stick twice, passing out each time. A man is hit in the stomach, tripped on the ice, punched in the nose and face, and falls down but gets up (we see a slight amount of blood around the nose).
 A hockey player tackles another player and slams the man's head into goal supports several times (we see blood on the right side of the face); he then knocks down a dwarf from a wall on which he is standing. Several scenes show minor fights between opposing hockey players that include pushing and punching, but we see no physical damage. A man punches a dwarf in the face, and a flying hockey puck knocks a dwarf in the head and off the wall on which he is standing.
 A man fights with a rooster (the bulk of it is off screen): we hear screeching and grunts and the man is shown with the bloody severed head and neck of the rooster in his mouth, scratches over his face, some blood, feathers all over him, and torn clothing. An ostrich lays an egg on a diner's plate (with some feathers flying).
 After dinner a man brushes his teeth with a lot of foam, flosses his teeth with 4 feet of floss, and with the help of an aide, pulls a white rope back and forth through his body from his nose through his rectum (he remains fully clothed).
 A sports announcer reports that he is cured of addiction to peyote and Frangelica and apologizes to God and Judy Densch for beating her up (a picture of the actress in mummy face bandages is shown briefly) and later, he states that he "shivved" someone with a sharpened toothbrush.
 Two sports team mascots repeatedly attack each other on screen, with a gun, a hockey stick, a dart gun, and a flamethrower (nobody is really hurt). A man fakes a heart attack, and a medic administers defibrillation, which shoots him across an arena, he bangs his head on the wall, sits up and sees that his right jacket sleeve is aflame (the scene ends and his jacket is singed and smoking).
 A man practices with nunchucks. A man threatens another man with a karate stance, they exchange threats a few times and the scene ends.
 A man urinates into an urn (we see and hear the stream) and other men dip mop heads into the urine and fight with the mops (men are consequently splashed with urine and spit). A boy finds a nose hair in a cup of tea, he gags, and does not drink. A man pours tea into his nostril and lets it flow through his mouth into a teacup; his aide checks his nose for "boogers," finds one and the man clears his throat and swallows it. At a dinner, a man spits a shrimp across the room and later makes diarrhea noises with his mouth into a coffee mug. In a hockey arena, the crowd throws debris on a woman that's walking by the front seats. A man passes gas, burps, and blows his nose (three feet through the air and into a trash can). An elephant defecates into a large garbage can held by someone, dirtying the person and overfilling the can.
 A man says that he knows an Indian martial art called "Howtohurtaguy."

PROFANITY 5 - 3 F-words (1 heard and 2 bleeped), 2 obscene hand gestures, 12 mild obscenities, 9 scatological references, 23 anatomical references, 4 sexual hand gestures, 2 other sexual references (Ann flatable, Ann job), 4 religious exclamations, 4 stereotypical references to gays, 12 instances of name calling (stupid, clowns, Frodo, jaggamo, midget, prison bitch, gayskin). [profanity glossary]

SUBSTANCE USE - A man hallucinates, becomes The Borg from "Star Trek" and is carried away by security, while another man says, "You've been doing drugs again," a sports announcer says to the camera that he needs sleep (implying drugs kept him awake) and falls unconscious, and a sports announcer reports to the camera that he is cured of an addiction to peyote and Frangelico. Two bar scenes show bottles of alcohol and a few glasses of alcohol on a bar, and one woman sips, servers carry alcoholic drinks on trays, a bottle of beer is tossed into the air and beer pours out, and a man on a plane expresses disappointment that he receives only water and no alcohol. A man smokes a hookah and states, "I'm a midnight toker" and collapses backward, unconscious.

DISCUSSION TOPICS - Eastern religions and other religious beliefs, meditation, self-help, medications/drugs & alcohol, parody, relationships, love, violence in sports, animal rights, animal mating processes, regret, reconciliation, comedic exploitation.

MESSAGE - Seek professional help and avoid shortcuts.

Special Keywords: S7 - V4 - P5 - MPAAPG-13

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