A Haunted House [2013] [R] - 9.6.7

 
 

PLEASE HELP!

Although our site is very popular, the current economic climate has reduced our revenues just when we need extra security to prevent attacks from hackers who don't like what we do. If you think what we do is worthwhile, please donate or become a member.



ASSIGNED NUMBERS

Unlike the MPAA we do not assign one inscrutable rating based on age, but 3 objective ratings for SEX/NUDITY, VIOLENCE/GORE and PROFANITY on a scale of 0 to 10, from lowest to highest, depending on quantity and context.

 [more »]


Sex & Nudity
Violence & Gore
Profanity
1 to 10

WEB LINKS

» Critics.com
» Official Site
» IMDb Listing


A man and a woman (Marlon Wayans and Essence Atkins) move into their dream house and the woman begins to act strangely. The man suspects she is possessed by a demon but determined to keep his sex life active no matter what, he brings experts to exorcise her, including a prison priest (Cedric the Entertainer), a psychic (Nick Swardson), and a team of urban ghost-busters. Also with David Koechner and Dave Sheridan. Directed by Michael Tiddes. [1:25]

SEX/NUDITY 9 - A man leaves his girlfriend in bed to sleep on the couch downstairs and something invisible rearranges the comforter and has sex with her: we see the outline of a head performing oral sex, thrusting hips in different positions, and the outline of a humanoid figure writhing and then disappearing; on a video replay that we do not see, we hear the woman moaning and screaming as liquid hits a hard surface and a man says that the woman was ejaculating.
 A man asleep in bed is sodomized by an invisible being: we see the man's buttocks raise from the bed and the pajamas slip down to show his bare buttocks moving up and down.
 A video camera tapes 8 hours a night in a bedroom each night for two weeks: A man and a woman in the room go to bed clothed in T-shirts and shorts, revealing the bare legs of both and several times she wears a tight tank top over a sports bra that emphasizes her large bosom. Three women sit around a kitchen table, wearing only bikini panties (please see the Substance Use category for more details) and we see the breasts, backs, abdomens, thighs and legs of all three. A man, who is supposed to be investigating ghosts, walks around nude in a dark basement and we see his entire naked body except for his genitals. A man says that a woman in the house is evil because she has herpes; she denies this and we see the bare back and buttocks of her boyfriend squatting in a tub and scrubbing himself with Comet cleanser, drain cleaner and soap. A man appears briefly, shirtless, but covered with bondage chains and leather, including a mask and asks what the outfit is for; another man tells him "nothing" and to take it off. We see a photo of an old nun wearing a bra that reveals cleavage, bare arms and shoulders, along with a wrinkled neck and face.
 A man, a woman and an invisible being smoke a drugged cigarette (please see the Substance Use category for more details) and move around under a large comforter on a bed (it is unclear what is happening) but the next morning, the woman says that the man urinated in bed and we see black marker drawings of penises on his face and we hear that the invisible being can make sex last for two hours; the next night, the woman puts on perfume for the invisible being, while the man says he took Viagra and Cialis and is still not good enough for her.
 A man and a woman suggest to another couple that they bring several men over for a sex party and the second couple declines; several nights later, the second couple arrives at the first couple's home and finds the man watching as the woman sits on a pool table while a man with his nude back and buttocks to the camera thrusts and she moans and four other men are shirtless and waiting for a turn to have sex with her (we see their bare chests and backs).
 In three scenes we see sex between a man and a woman, taking place under a large comforter; we see huge thrusting motions and hear groans and shouts and bare feet appear from time to time from under the comforter.
 A man and a woman in bed sound like they are having sex as the screen goes black and when the picture comes back we see the man bare-chested and sweaty, but the woman is clothed and complaining about sex taking only 30 seconds.
 We see a housekeeper wearing a long sleeved, long-tailed shirt while lying on the kitchen table in profile with her bare thighs and legs spread, as a repair man blows a leaf blower between her legs and then steps closer with his trousers down around his knees (sex is implied).
 At a pool party, a woman lying in the background and wearing a bikini raises her legs, spreads them, and pumps her hips as if having sex, although she is alone; another woman wearing a bikini sits by the pool and grabs the buttock of the other woman and squeezes.
 A woman wearing a long nightgown is seen sitting on a bed with her back to the camera, her face turns toward the camera and she is grinning while holding a large cross and a male voice off-screen says that she masturbates with the cross; her head turns away and she grunts repeatedly as we see her shoulder moving rhythmically (we can only see her back) as the male voice asks, "Wouldn't you prefer this?" and we see a blurry image of an electric, lighted, twirling sex aid.
 A man is shown clothed in spandex boxer shorts (we see the man's bare chest, abdomen, back and legs) and while his girlfriend is in the bathroom, he pretends to have sex with two stuffed dogs and a stuffed duck, thrusting at the stuffed animals, pushing their heads into his crotch, with jumping, twisting, grunting, sweating, shouting and grimacing. A man brags that his thrusting during sex creates a vortex and a tornado; he demonstrates the hip movements for a friend while standing, becomes embarrassed, and stops.
 A gay man stares at a straight man's crotch and asks the man four times, "Have you ever been with a man?"; the straight man becomes upset, answering "No" all four times, and the gay man pinches the other man's nipples through his clothing in a later scene and touches his groin in another scene, as the man tells him to let go both times. A man and a woman kiss briefly in three scenes.
 A priest in a home picks up a photo that we cannot see of a woman and tells the homeowner that he would have sex with the woman all over the living room, including the entire carpet and all the furniture. A man and a woman spend a lot of time arguing that sex is not satisfying for either of them. A repairman tells a homeowner that he arrived home once to find his girlfriend having sex with the mailman and it ruined his life. A security man's helper tells him that the house they worked on is probably one used for shooting porno tapes. A man asks a second man if he would ever agree to wife-swapping for sex; the other man says only a pervert would do that.

VIOLENCE/GORE 6 - A woman drives into a driveway and over a dog, killing it (no blood is shown); the owner, a man, cries, he tries to revive it with CPR and car jumper cables, and the camera cuts to the cemetery with a tombstone for the dog and the man crying (several nights later, the woman drags the dog's body across the kitchen floor on a leash).
 A man argues loudly with his housekeeper several times about chores and she quits after several days; when she comes back to pick up her paycheck, a priest in the house sees her in the dark kitchen and mistaking her for a possessed woman, shoots her three times (we see three bloody wounds in her shoulder and chest but she survives).
 A woman with a large black spot on her shirt enters a room, stares into the camera in a close-up and distorts her face into a pale, gape-mouthed vampire face with black lips and huge fangs, charging forward, roaring and then disappearing; she reappears at the door, drags a man out into the hallway and slams the bedroom door. A woman walks out of her bedroom and downstairs where she screams and makes noises with pots and pans; her boyfriend follows, but is knocked down by an invisible being and dragged out of the room, and then dragged back into the room on his face.
 A priest takes out a large switchblade and plays tic-tac-toe off screen on a woman's arm, drawing blood; her arm is seen already red with x-marks from self-cutting.
 In a flashback an invisible friend throws a little girl's birthday cake into the camera; in retaliation a man spanks his daughter's clothed bottom with a leather belt three time while she cries and his wife tells him not to hurt his belt.
 In a dark basement, four men approach a possessed, wild-haired woman who is crying with her back to the camera; they beat her with punches and kicks, and they hit her with a ball bat, a bicycle, and odds and ends of wood, but she is unharmed. After putting baby powder on a hall floor to track an invisible being, a man finds huge footprints and takes a ball bat into a room where they lead; he beats someone there in the dark and the lights come up to reveal a woman moaning and disheveled but unwounded. A woman in a kitchen walks up to a second woman sitting at the kitchen table and slaps her in the face for not bagging drugs correctly (please see the Substance Use category for more details).
 A man and a woman on a home video tape continually experience unseen forces pulling them out of bed at night. A poltergeist throws dishes across a kitchen, pulls pots down from an overhead rack and forces all the kitchen drawers to open at once. A woman is pulled down a staircase, into the air and into another room, where she drops to the floor unharmed. Three ghost busters are struck by furniture dropping from the ceiling and they scream and run out of the house. A woman and three friends use a Ouija board to contact an invisible being and make it angry because of bad spelling and the board flies across the room.
 A man demolishes his living room one night by falling into a glass coffee table, spilling a funeral urn filled with ashes and tipping over lamps and chairs; we see him squat with his trousers pulled partially down and revealing one buttock as he grunts and then we see a pile of feces. The hallway and staircase leading to a basement are covered with blood drawings of evil symbols, including pentagrams, witch faces, winged monkeys, unreadable words, smiling circle faces and others; in the basement, a man stands facing a corner and another man says he is urinating, although we hear no sound. In a kitchen, a woman holds a large cutting knife as she eats everything in a refrigerator, including raw hamburger and she pours half a gallon of milk over herself. A priest tosses cologne onto a demon-possessed woman, who begins to let off smoke as if struck by Holy Water. A woman takes a large sword to bed for protection against ghosts.
 A man and a woman argue about strange occurrences in their house. A man and a woman argue about her flatulating in bed and sitting on the toilet too long; we see her in the bathroom on the toilet, covered by a nightgown, while her boyfriend says the bathroom stinks. A woman admits to friends that she sold her soul to the devil in order to get a pair of expensive shoes. A priest mentions a dozen times that he knows how to "shank" (stab) people because he learned it in prison. A man and a woman yell at an invisible being to leave the house. Three ghost-busters arrive at a house and yell at invisible beings that they cannot see. After the final credits, additional footage features one man telling another man that 90% of penises do not carry guns.
 A woman shows tattoo lines inside her lower lip and a priest shows a butterfly tattoo above his tailbone. A woman shows a priest a painting of a man with red paint on his head and face, representing blood. A woman's face is pale, her lips blue and her hair is wild.
 A sleeping woman in bed with a man flatulates six times, raising the sheet and comforter high into the air. A man flatulates on a stuffed animal.

PROFANITY 7 - About 28 F-words and its derivatives, 2 obscene hand gestures, 10 sexual references, 22 scatological terms, 22 anatomical references, 16 mild obscenities, 12 derogatory terms for African-Americans, name-calling (crazy, cracker, fool, stupid, pervert, idiot, retarded, hoarder, whores), stereotypical references to ghosts, horror films, men, women, Blacks, whites, Hispanics, homosexuals, repairmen, prison chaplains, the American Dream, exclamations (shut up), 5 religious profanities, 13 religious exclamations. [profanity glossary]

SUBSTANCE USE - Three women sit at a kitchen table while bagging small bags of a powdered drug (please see the Sex/Nudity category for more details), a security man says that having a bag of meth is scary (we see no drugs), a man complains that Viagra and Cialis do not work well enough for him (please see the Sex/Nudity category for more details), a man and a woman share a large marijuana cigarette together and with an invisible being and its lungs fill up with smoke, a priest opens his Bible to show that it is hollow and contains a large marijuana cigarette and loose marijuana, and a priest pulls out cocaine powder in a silver case and dispenses it into men's hands in a home and we see the men snort it and jump around briefly. Parents film themselves at their young daughter's birthday party while drinking whiskey, a woman holds bottle of colorless liquor, a woman tells friends that she and a girlfriend got drunk in college and kissed, a drunk man demolishes his living room (please see the Violence/Gore category for more details), empty beer bottles sit on tables in a house and around a swimming people in several scenes (no one is shown drinking), and a woman holds a bottle of wine and two empty glasses.

DISCUSSION TOPICS - Cohabitation, fear, safety, trust, demons, unexplained events, illegal drugs, unusual sex, racial stereotypes, reality vs. fantasy.

MESSAGE - Don't let your girlfriend move into your house.

Special Keywords: S9 - V6 - P7 - MPAAR

Our Ratings Explained

Tell Friends About Our Site

Become a Member


A CAVEAT: We've gone through several editorial changes since we started covering films in 1992 and some of our early standards were not as stringent as they are now. We therefore need to revisit many older reviews, especially those written prior to 1998 or so; please keep this in mind if you're consulting a review from that period. While we plan to revisit and correct older reviews our resources are limited and it is a slow, time-consuming process.




INAPPROPRIATE ADS? We have little control over ads since we belong to ad agencies that serve ads automatically; a standing order should prevent provocative ads, but inappropriate ads do sneak in.
What you can do



HOW TO SUPPORT KIDS-IN-MIND

1. 

Become a member: You can subscribe for as little as a couple of dollars a month and gain access to our premium site, which contains no ads whatsoever. Think about it: You'll be helping support our site and guarantee that we will continue to publish, and you will be able to browse without any commercial interruptions.

2. 

Tell all your friends: Please recommend kids-in-mind.com to your friends and acquaintances; you'll be helping them by letting them know how useful our site is, while helping us by increasing our readership. Since we do not advertise, the best and most reliable way to spread the word is by word-of-mouth.

3. 

Alert local & national media: Let major media know why you trust our ratings. Call or e-mail a local newspaper, radio station or TV channel and encourage them to do a story about our site. Since we do not have a PR firm working for us, you can be our media ambassadors.




Copyright © 1992- Critics. All rights reserved. "Kids-In-Mind™" and "Movie Ratings That Actually Work™" are Service Marks of Critics. For legal queries please see our Terms of Use; for comments or questions see our contact page.