Free Birds [2013] [PG] - 2.4.2

 
 

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ASSIGNED NUMBERS

Unlike the MPAA we do not assign one inscrutable rating based on age, but 3 objective ratings for SEX/NUDITY, VIOLENCE/GORE and PROFANITY on a scale of 0 to 10, from lowest to highest, depending on quantity and context.

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Sex & Nudity
Violence & Gore
Profanity
1 to 10

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A turkey (voiced by Owen Wilson) pardoned at the White House and the Turkey Liberation Front leader (voiced of Woody Harrelson) join forces to save all turkeys from the traditional Thanksgiving menu. The birds steal a top-secret time machine, go back to 1621 Plymouth and attempt to change history, but meet an interesting flock of native turkeys in the process. Also with the voices of George Takei, Amy Poehler, Colm Meaney, Dan Fogler and Keith David. Directed by Jimmy Haywood. [1:31]

SEX/NUDITY 2 - A male turkey dips a female turkey and kisses her below the frame. A male turkey asks a female turkey to kiss him, she asks, "What?" and he changes the conversation abruptly.
 A male turkey attempts to ask a female turkey for a date, but the female laughs at him and walks away. A US President's little daughter steps onto a plane and tells a turkey that the female assistant at the front of the plane likes her daddy, but not to tell anyone. A tele-novella about love stories features a tall man wearing an eye patch, whom all the women in a crowd want to marry; he says he must remain alone. A male turkey asks a female turkey if she and another male turkey are "rubbing wattles" (i.e. dating) and she says, "Eeeww! He's my brother." An old male turkey in a group has cloudy eyes and when he meets two new male turkeys, he says that the smaller of the two is a lovely wife, soft and feminine.
 A Native American fastens a slice of cheese pizza, point-down, at the crotch of his trousers; the Native American Chief looks at him and shudders.
 One female turkey features a pronounced human bust line. A time machine's chair form-fits to a turkey's posterior, which we see in close-up to resemble feather-covered human buttocks. We see several scenes of two large turkeys flexing buttock muscles in close-up. Several male Native Americans are shown shirtless and their chest is covered largely with beads.
 A turkey egg hatches in the hands of a male turkey and a yellow chick appears (no egg fluids are evident).

VIOLENCE/GORE 4 - A turkey accidentally leaves a gunpowder trail from a leaking powder horn as he makes his way to a large flock of turkeys in caves in the woods; bounty hunters and settlers track him by lighting the trail with a match, follow it to an underground city of turkeys, and the humans dig down into the community; large dogs chase turkeys and humans grab the birds by the necks and place them into cages inside wagons; settlers drive the wagons home in order to provide these turkeys, who have horrified and sad expressions, for a feast and a bounty hunter tosses flammable liquid into the caves and lights it with a match, forcing the last turkeys out; the leader of the turkey clan lifts a burning log to allow other turkeys to pass beneath and to safety, then gets caught as the log falls on top of him (we hear that he dies) and from a distance, a few turkeys watch the flames rising from the cave opening; a memorial service involves fanning loose feathers placed on the cave floor, causing them to rise and fly from the cave opening.
 A clan of native turkeys takes up many long spears and marches forward while chanting to fight humans and the humans meet them at a gate and laugh until the turkeys release a long line of lighted pumpkins sitting on catapults; one large flaming pumpkin strikes a man squarely in the face and we see him fall back and out of the frame; the humans shout and retaliate by firing cannons that fall short of the turkeys, and they fly to the sky and become magnetically attracted into a swirling vortex by a time machine spaceship; cannons levitate and follow the cannon-shot skyward and a man rides one cannon, lights its fuse, it shoots downward and destroys a wagon; the cannon becomes a rocket that propels the man into the sky, where man and cannon disappear.
 Two turkeys enter a military complex and one of the turkeys screams at a row of yellow hazard suits hanging on a wall; the two turkeys leave a decontamination chamber, followed by smoke (please see the Substance Use category for more details); a dozen soldiers dressed in hazmat suits see the turkeys and in two scenes, fire a line of blazing fire from rifles, which the birds outrun; a soldier orders, "Exterminate with extreme prejudice" and one bird says, "They tried to kill me."
 Three giant snarling dogs with sharp teeth chase turkeys around Plymouth Colony several times, but never catch them.
 A man with scars on the side of his hollow unshaven face, a match hanging from his mouth and dressed like a Wild West bounty hunter (all-black duster coat, hat, trousers and boots) shoots at turkeys from his horse several times, but misses, even though one turkey says, "I'm dead." Settlers shoot at turkeys and miss, then throw some sort of hand grenade at the birds in a field and we see small explosions of flame and smoke (no birds are struck). A man waves a sword under his men's noses and tells them they are incompetent.
 The governor of Plymouth is overweight and corrupt and keeps all the colony's scarce food supplies in his own house; men and women in a crowd outside his door shout at him as he picks his teeth in his doorway, telling him they are starving; he says that his weight is a thyroid issue and an elderly man drops to the ground dead from hunger; the crowd pushes forward until turkey hunters appear with two turkeys for a big meal planned for the next day.
 A turkey swings on vines and hits a tree, unharmed; he continues to swing and sets off a series of traps that raise spikes, smash together log ends and snap shut, but no one is trapped.
 A time machine that is a white egg sits in the center of blue and white lightning bolts in a secret chamber; a human inside the machine calls, "Help me" and escapes, floating around the chamber with a soldier in a hazmat suit before falling below screen to places unknown.
 A time machine begins to travel and a dark vortex cloud appears above it; at Mission Control, everything levitates (chairs with people in them, computers, desks, coffee cups, etc.), and then falls when the ship is gone (no injuries occur); inside the machine, we see two turkeys and one of them sits in a special chair while the other turkey suffers temporary side effects that include turning into a prehistoric fish, a Sasquatch and a baby dragon.
 A farmer grabs two turkeys by the throat and carries them away; other turkeys say those carried away will go to Turkey Paradise when one turkey tells the flock that there is no paradise for turkeys, and they only become food for humans; an older turkey replies that their life is corn and that the other turkey is the anti-corn as the flock pushes the other turkey out to the farmer to catch (the turkey is pardoned). A large turkey kidnaps a smaller turkey in a burlap bag; later, in the woods, the larger bird slaps the smaller bird in the face four times without injury and the larger bird carries the smaller bird by the throat several times. A dark turkey factory shows turkeys in rows and layers of small cages that are several cages high; one young turkey escapes, even though a scientist nearly catches him and he attempts to take three eggs with him, but cannot get them through the fence.
 A turkey attempts to throw another turkey over a wooden fort wall, but the second bird hits the wall, unharmed; then the first bird tries bending a pine tree as a catapult and the second bird flies over the wall and a large dog snarls at the second bird in close-up, but the bird distracts it with a laser light and he escapes; the first turkey enters a fort and together, the two birds roll powder kegs and other armaments together and blow them up with a long fuse that they run from the weapons shed to a hill outside the fort; we see two thick spires of black smoke and some flames as we hear explosions.
 Two large male turkeys puff themselves up and punch each other, then dance the jitterbug and a waltz. Several eye incidents occur: Two scenes feature turkeys who are struck in the eye by a remote control laser beam (no damage is shown); a metal screw nut hits a turkey in the eye and reddens it temporarily; a female turkey's eye wobbles to cause the iris to fall to the bottom of the eye when she is nervous several times and she says that she was dropped on her head as a chick. A little girl falls asleep and drops to the ground several times, but is never injured. Two turkeys roll down a long hill and hit rocks at the bottom, but are not injured.
 The Great Turkey in the Sky appears in a flash of backlighting in two scenes and he presents a Sacred Time Travel knob to a young turkey for a mission to save turkeys. A large flock of turkeys wears Native American war face paint and a few feathers sticking up from the tops of their heads. A time traveling turkey returns to the present, meets three more of himself and screams.
 A time traveling turkey returns to 1621 a second time to ask friends if they have heard of "turducken"; he holds a duck under one wing and a chicken under the other and says he now wants to save all ducks and chickens. A female turkey says that she will throw up, but she does not do so. A bounty hunter tells other men that turkeys have magical powers.

PROFANITY 2 - 4 mild obscenities (heck; "bleeding" [British], son of a gun), name-calling (crazy, stupidity, dumb, idiot, weird, weirdo, insane, lunatic, coward), stereotypical references to men, women, children, Native Americans, Hispanics, President Bill Clinton, bounty hunters, corrupt local officials, soldiers and generals, sci-fi heroes, exclamations (shut-up). [profanity glossary]

SUBSTANCE USE - Corn is a magical substance that is the basis of life among a flock of turkeys, and some sort of unknown substance that creates pink and black smoke is the agent used in a decontamination chamber at Camp David. On a modern Thanksgiving table we see glasses of a beverage but the beverage is unidentified and no one drinks.

DISCUSSION TOPICS - Agricultural crop animals, animal intelligence, eating meat, free range vs. factory raised animals, multicultural and national holiday traditions, religions, race relations, guns, war, compromising and making peace.

MESSAGE - Sometimes, you need to stand and fight.

Special Keywords: S2 - V4 - P2 - MPAAPG

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